I grew up in a home that was deeply impacted by the brokenness and trauma of mental illness, depression, suicide, and addiction that attacked my mother. As a child fear, anxiety, and depression haunted me. I often struggled with demonic torment at night which at times left me paralyzed or frozen in my bed. My only source of freedom was singing “Jesus Loves Me.” which would immediately remove the fear if I could speak. These attacks were often passed off as my own imagination by my parents, psychologist, and even the hypnotists who took me through a battery of questions and tests to determine what was wrong with me.
As I grew, the heaviness of life and the weight of being labeled BROKEN hung like a weight around me that everyone could see. This affected the way I functioned in school and at home. Depression, Anger, and Hopelessness caused thoughts of suicide and even raging internal voices to torment me during the day causing me to not be able to focus or find peace.
In 1993, with the prayers of my aunt and uncle, I encountered Jesus through a Passion Play Musical that I was invited to participate in. I finally discovered the love and hope of Jesus. Someone who loved the broken. My relationship with Jesus forever changed the course of my life. I constantly hungered for more of Him. Yet, deep inside the pain of what was happening at home and the sadness and fear that remained inside continued to torment me. A lot of the raging voices stopped, and I was no longer being tormented, but fear and depression continued to have influence in my daily life. Even through the years of being filled with the Holy Spirit and being called into ministry in various avenues, the pain of rejection and depression remained hidden inside like a consistent and faithful wound that would often be triggered by the smallest things.
In 2004, I began to spend many hours in the prayer room at my church called The Furnace. During that time, I would have powerful encounters with Jesus in visions, dreams, and even songs. Some moments I thought I was just dreaming it, but I now realize in many cases He had taken me places to pray. This was one of those encounters that have given me some keys to understanding freedom and how God wants us to be whole in Body, Soul, and Spirit.
BRAIN SURGERY DREAM
The dream started out with me being in my childhood room and my mother whisking me away insisting that we needed to go to the hospital immediately. When we arrived, we were placed in this dark hallway of the ER and put on one of those hospital beds together waiting for surgery. I understood that we were there because the doctors needed to separate my mother and I as it was like there was a chord that caused us to be attached. I do not remember this surgery, but just remember it being complete and my mother walking away.
I then remember being escorted by someone to a waiting room. This room was filled with people who were considered mentally ill. Some were screaming like they were possessed; others totally depressed; others schizophrenic. I remember feeling the deep sadness, confusion, and anxiety inside them as well as my own being. I could feel the heaviness of where I was and the heartache we all felt.
Jesus then walked into the room and came to me. Looking deeply into my eyes I could feel His love as He said, “Susan, I must do brain surgery. It a matter of life or death.” He took me into an operating room, and I remember laying on this cold metal table. I was a little frightened at first, but He asked me to trust Him, and I did. As He worked, I was completely awake but felt no pain. I remember looking above at a TV monitor of my brain.
As He worked, He would tell me what He was doing and that I would feel something. In each instance, I only felt pressure and relief. As He did this, I would see it on the monitor as parts of my brain were displayed as red or dark colors and would go green or blue as relief of the pressure would come and with it, I felt the heaviness and pain being removed. Next thing I realized was that all the red was gone and I had peace and felt a newfound confidence and joy.
He then took me back into the waiting room with these people I had been with before. As I sat there, compassion came to me for the people waiting there. This joy and compassion that I didn’t have before came out of me as I began to talk to these people, sing to them, and just be with them. Some of them I talked to, some I just touched, and some I did nothing but just sit with, but one by one I saw the same joy touch these people and they were all healed, and we all walked out free and whole.
I forgot about this dream until more recently when I began walking through some emotional healing with my friend, Matt Evans. During this process, some of these deep issues from my past and even I believe some of the depression began to be healed inside me. When God reminded me of this dream, He spoke, “This is exactly what I am doing in you and through you now.” As I have walked through this process of healing, I have also had the opportunity to learn from Matt and to pray and work with others who have walked through trauma from their past. Some of these people have been diagnosed with DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), Anxiety, and Depression.
During this process of walking through this, I see more and more how beautiful these people are. Many of them have powerful destinies and callings on their lives. Many like my Mother and I are Empaths and Seers and have been so bogged down by the attack of the enemy they don’t realize the power and authority they carry as a Child of God. I am learning more and more in my walk often times even the feelings I feel are not my own but often times the emotions or atmosphere of what is around me. Do we struggle? Heck yeah! Do these problems and diagnosis disqualify us from walking in the fullness of who we are and our destiny? No. Are we a medical label? Or are we children of God who have an incredible gifting or calling that has been held hostage in some cases by the enemy and his lies and twisting of the truth and our family lines. God wants to set the captives free and heal our brokenness so we can walk in the fullness of our true identity as Sons and Daughters of God without fear of who we are created to be. Also instead of being afraid we can walk in complete trust and discernment through Holy Spirit of what we are seeing and feeling as we start this journey with Him.
Recently I had a conversation with Aspen Morrow, the author of the book, Med Free Bipolar . God had just recently told her she was a “Baptist Seer” and gave her an open vision of seeing thousands of people healed supernaturally like she has through natural means. I then shared with her my “brain surgery” vision, and it was such confirmation to both of us! We both felt the Glory of God on the conversation we were having and the power behind this revelation. She indicated that what I saw on that screen is actually what happens when a brain is scanned during emotional changes. The colors and all. She also confirmed the dark spots disappearing would indicate healing! Aspen is a Dr. Amen Certified Brain Health Coach and has an office in Boise, ID at New Beginnings Wellness Center. The Amen Clinics have scanned over 90,000 brains and the colors and dark spots show up on a screen. Of course, Jesus knows what colors they should be! How amazing is God to confirm my vision scientifically all these years later!
He has called us to be set free from the darkness of the “Labels” of our struggles and set into the light and path of our destiny and journey with our loving God who has called us to walk with Him.
I am calling forth those who have felt disqualified by sickness, disease, and a debilitating diagnosis. This is what He is doing now as you read this:
The Spirit of the Lord God is upon you,
Because the Lord has anointed you
To bring good news to the afflicted;
He has sent you to bind up the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to captives And freedom to prisoners;
To proclaim the favorable year of the Lord
And the day of vengeance of our God;
To comfort all who mourn,
To grant those who mourn in Zion,
Giving them a garland instead of ashes,
The oil of gladness instead of mourning,
The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of heaviness.
So they will be called oaks of righteousness,
The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.
Isaiah 61:1-3 adapted from NASV
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