Under the Fragment Rug

WARNING: May trigger fragments as it has to deal with deep emotional trauma.

I am sharing this because I believe God wants to use it to bring healing and freedom to many who struggle with deep pain. If being vulnerable about my own inner journey of healing helps someone else discover how deeply Jesus can heal them, then it is worth it. God desires for us all to be set free and whole. Even when were are struggling deep inside one thing to know is that you are still a powerful person that God wants to use. The important thing is to learn that we need to separate our past form our future. We are sons and daughters of God and he has so much he wants to do in us. During that journey, He wants to come and slowly heal these deep places in us. This is part of my journey and I know that in these moments something deep inside me becomes more and more healed. It is not a complete healing but it is a victory and part of the journey.

Journal Entry: 

Jesus, I come to you looking deeply into your eyes. I so miss you and long for your goodness. No more distractions. I just want to be with you. You and me. Finding the sweetness of being next to you and enjoying our talks but more than anything just enjoying being with you. Can you tell me what is on your heart? You have heard my stories. I want to hear what you have to say.

Jesus spoke to me: I am happy to be here with you in full attention of your eyes. I love when we have these times. Uninterrupted. Undivided but just knowing that I can talk to you directly. I have some big things to say…but more than that. I have some big things I want you to have. They are things that have been missing. Things that you have tried to live without but have only caused brokenness. Remember Isaiah 61:1-2. I want to do this for you right here right now. In this area where you are feeling so empty. Will you let me restore and bring healing?”

Me: Yes, Jesus I long to be made whole. To see you the way you want me to see you.

Jesus: Then come, my love. Let’s go into the dark area of the garden of your heart and restore what is broken.

Me: I am scared to go there alone, yet I know you are with me. I will go with you. I just am not confident in what I hear or see in there. I don’t feel safe. I feel fearful in some of my struggles.

Jesus: You fear this particular area, because there because there is so much fear that has dominion in there. I want to remove it and bring peace inside those deep areas. The more fear goes, the deeper the area is that I can dwell. Will you be willing to allow me to come and remove the fear?

Me: Yes, Jesus. I am scared. Deep inside I just want to cry at the thought of what is inside me.

As I say this, I run into His arms. Weeping. Knowing that this is the one place I feel totally safe. In His Arms. Gently His kisses my cheek and holds me tightly.

Jesus: I have this beloved. Do not be afraid or hold back just let me take these deep areas with my beautiful love. I will do it in a way that you don’t have to experience pain. I can come gently and suddenly.

Suddenly I saw this whole large area like inside it was a large layer of fear that was laying on the ground. I saw it, like a dark, heavy damp carpet. It was painful and the more I focus on it, the deeper the pain and heaviness came to the surface.

Jesus: Don’t focus on it. Just let me take care of it. Will you let me take it away along with shame, anger, confusion, fear, anxiety, and deception? I want to clear the room of this all. Are you willing?

Me: Yes.

Jesus began at one side of the room and started rolling up this carpet. It was thick and heavy, but he was so strong it was like nothing to him. As He began rolling, there were fragmented parts of me that were ingrained and rooted in this, and when it began to roll, I saw what seemed like body parts were attached. Slowly one by one he would very gently as a surgeon cut them out and separate them from the ugly rug. As he did He would cover their naked bodies with white blankets and lay them gently down. Many of them looked completely dead, or like they were unable to move. Some looked very sick and some like they had been awoken from a deep sleep.

Slowly the entire area was completely cleared. Once it was separated, Jesus took Holy Fire and burned the entire rug. As He did, I could hear the demons scream that made up this ugly thing. Some of my parts began to cry as they felt like we were burning up a friend or a lover. I felt the sorrow of many. Yet, I knew this was necessary as we couldn’t even access these people if we had not removed the darkness.

One by one Jesus began ministering to the parts contained inside. Many of the ones that looked dead He breathed life onto and life came back to them and others he healed with his touch. One was a ten-year-old child. She was naked and looked like her body had been bruised by the weight of the carpet and past torment. Jesus had covered her, but she kept removing it as she wanted what she had before. I walked towards her and tried to touch her. She was very angry. Yelling, “Don’t touch me!” I felt the sorrow still inside. Although they were fragments, I could hear and feel what they felt. I was overwhelmed by it not knowing how to respond.

Me: Jesus, I don’t know how to face her or these other parts. The pain I feel is overwhelming.

Jesus released a wave of peace in the room causing all the parts including myself to experience peace. I knew that the pain inside them was massive and it would take time to remove.

With great care, Jesus went over the girl who was 10 and called her by a name I never heard. “Blanka” (Looked it up means white and fair. Its German). I knew it was me yet he called her this, and she responded to it. When he spoke her name, it was as if something inside her that had been forgotten was awakened.

“Your calling me by name? No one has ever done that! I have felt like I was nothing for so long,” she responded with Hope in her eyes that overcame the anger she felt.

As He came towards her, she realized her nakedness and covered herself with the blanket she had thrown off. The shame inside was so deep as all the pain that she carried from her past and the desires she had were so real. She had been buried and lifeless for so long. As Jesus approached her and called her by name, it was as if suddenly she realized she was loved and known. She had felt like she was nothing but a forgotten sin or expression.

Jesus responded, “I love you, Blanka. The sin and darkness of your past does not define you. You were separated from Susan during a painful time in her past where there was an unfulfilled need that has plagued Susan over and over again. You are special and unique just like any other part of my creation. You were created by me and never meant to be separated from her or me. Will you let me heal and restore you and remove the darkness that dwells inside that has caused so much pain?”

“Yes,” she responded. Jesus placed His hands on her shoulders as he did I saw the darkness move out of her body like a shadow that was separated from her being. It came out almost deforming her face but then separating. As It started to struggle Jesus grabbed the spirit by the neck and tore him away. As he did Blanka began to fall over, and Jesus caught her with his other hand. As she came to, she felt free. Then Jesus removed the fear and anger. As He did she began to cry as sorrow; deep sorrow arose from inside. He then began to wipe away the tears, and with it, He removed the sorrow. He then asked permission to remove the same which came off quickly with her approval. As she did a feeling of ugliness came out of her. It was like a dark cover that had blanketed her head.

With clearer vision, she looked to Jesus and knew there was nothing better then what he had to give.

Jesus responded to Blanka, “Will you trust me with your heart and allow me to be your savior?”

She said yes.

With this, she ran into His arms and wept deeply. As She did, He said to her, “Blanka, you are mine, and I love you. I want to fill you deeply with joy and love that will be better than any source of momentary pleasure. I have so much pleasure for you, and I want you to feel it, to be filled with my Love that takes away the emptiness you have felt for so long. For you are good and beautiful and the joy I have for you will outlast anything else. Will you let me fill you?”

Yes, Blanka responded.

Suddenly His Joy and Love filled her deeply, and her weeping turned to joy and laughter as she began dancing with Jesus. Suddenly she was covered with a beautiful dress, and all the dark bruising and wounds were gone. Not only that but her countenance changed to Joy. As they danced, she began to sing of this deep love inside her.

You give me joy that overcomes all the sadness
Love the filled the deepest need
Beauty that washes away the ashes
How could anything be better than being with you?

You give me Joy Joy Joy; you give me peace and love.
I am so in love with you. I am so in love with you.

You called me by my name, and you saw the deepest part of me.
Not for the ugliness of sin but for who you created me to be.
You took this broken and torn body and healed the deepest part of me. Removing every bit of sin, you set me free

You pulled away from the darkness and put your love deep inside.
How can I express my joy but then to just dance with you for it is better than anything else in life?

Thank you, Jesus, for Loving me like that. Thank you!

 

As she sang many other parts started to be drawn in by what was going on. They were curious by the joy they saw in her. She began singing more, and suddenly I saw tears form in many of their eyes. Jesus went one by one and started calling them by name and healing them as well.

Great Resources on Emotional Healing and Fragments:

Spirit-Led Inner Healing with Susan Melanie Storm

Matt Evans on Emotional Healing of Fractured Parts:
How I was Healed of Fractured Parts

Freedom Flowers:
Flower Essences for Fragmenting and Trauma

Michael King on Emotional Healing:
DID, Self-healing, Integrating, Fragments, and Alters

Praying Medic Podcast about Emotional Healing:
Podcast Emotional Healing Praying Medic

Praying Medic’s Emotional Healing Book:
Emotional Healing Made Simple

 

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